Pizza Hut Secret Recipe : Cooking for Engineers

Pardon the messy presentation, it tastes heavenly

Are you hungry?
Do you wonder how they make such yummy pizzas in Pizza Hut?
Do you want to try making the same yummy pizzas at home?
Do you think I am awesome?


If the answers to the above questions are in the affirmative, kindly read Pizza hut's secret recipe to making fluffy yummy mouthwatering pizzas.


Since this is cooking for Engineers, we will follow no measurements. As in, you wont hear me saying add 1 tablespoon of this or 2 teaspoon of that. Tablespoon and teaspoon is such a firangi concept. We will make use of desi concepts like - ek muthi bhar namak lijiye and stuff [Note: ek muthi bhar namak is not recommended unless you are cooking for an army and a half]. Okay that was a joke, no recipe is complete without a little firangigiri.


If men are reading this, let me tell you that cooking can be quite a turn-on for women. If you are an engineer and dont have women around (which in all probability you dont) then refrain from cooking this meal, else you'll end up turning-on your room-mates.


For girls reading this, I know what you are thinking - He's funny, he's hot and he even cooks! Can I add him on orkut? Can I get his number? Where does he stay?

I say, all those questions will be answered, but first, let us deal with the recipe.


Dough:
4 cups flour (maida)
1 cup warm water.
Dry yeast (half pack will do that is around 1 tablespoon)
2 tablespoons oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar


Put yeast, sugar, salt in a large bowl. Add water and stir to mix well. Allow to sit for two minutes. Add oil and stir again.


Add flour and stir until dough forms, make sure the dough is not too sticky. Knead like the dough is your boss. Throw in a few punches for good measure. After you are done, cover the bowl with a plate and keep it around some warm place (usually around the gas stove or near Salma Hayek, if she's around.)


Watch TV till the dough rises. After 15 minutes, return to the kitchen. Take out a ball of dough. and make it a perfect round with your hands. Take the microwave pan and pat some dry flour on it, so that the dough ball doesnt stick on it. Now make a thin circular base using your hands. Part one done. Pat yourself on the back. Enough. Now let us move on to the toppings.


Toppings:
Mozzarella Cheese
Tomato Sauce
Onion
Capsicum
Tomato
Mushroom


Pour generous amounts of tomato sauce and spread it evenly. [Actually PH guys make that sauce in-house, but we are lazy guys, so we will outsource it]. Spread finely shredded Mozzarella cheese all over the base. Now choose your toppings - I am a vegetarian, so I use fine cut capsicum, onion, tomato and mushroom. Place everything on the base. Take a lot of cheese and spread it evenly on the toppings. Remember that sticky threads of cheese they show on Tv? This is how they make it. Pour some olive oil (or any other oil, we are not that fussy, you see!). Once done, pat yourself on back again. Part two done. You are the king of the world! Get down the Titanic now. Let us proceed to the simplest and the most interesting part, interesting because you can go sit watch TV for most of it.


Baking-
Pre set the oven (on convection) at 240 deg Celsius. Put in the pan, set the timer to 9 minutes. Go watch TV. Come back after 9 minutes, remove the pan, careful! Its hot! Transfer the contents to a plate, cut into 6 slices, or cut into 4 slices if you think 6 slices is too much.
Part 3 done! Congratulations! The pizza is mouth wateringly yours. Dont forget to share the pizza with the people around you.



[Note 1: If you are sharing the pizza with your family members, friends, girlfriends, dont make the same mistake that I made, do NOT charge them, else you will end up with a black eye.
Note 2: Under no circumstances do you ask your sister/mother/girlfriend to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Else you will end up with two black eyes.]

A lot can happen over coffee : A twist

Scene 1:

Location: Nirmal Lifestyles mall, Cafe coffee Day

Timeline : Last year of college (2007)

Characters: Two cool college kids, Two weird office goers



Why are we alone?
We are not alone. We cant be alone if we are together.
Okay ass, I meant why dont we have girlfriends?
Oh, thats because the good ones chose the dorks
Yeah.. neckless, fat, geeky dorks
Hey! We can be neckless fat and geeky, if it gets us girls that is..
Well, we are already geeky..
I am not..
Yes you are..
Yeah I am.. I know..
So all we have to become is neckless and fat..
I dont think it is fair..
Even I dont think it is fair.. but what?
They show girls swooning over Hrithik Roshan on TV, but then they go and settle for dorks like these in real life. I mean, what happened to survival of the handsomest..
Yeah I know.. My mom says I look like Hrithik.
Dont take your mom too seriously..
Oh comeon.. I do!
No, you dont.. actually you do, only hes taller and more.. whats the word.. yeah.. awesome!
You sound like a girl right now..
I know, but you can definitely pass off as Uday Chopra..
Damn you..

Pointing to two office goers sitting at a table across the cafe.

Now look at those two guys there.. We look better than they do, dont we?
We sure do.. I mean we can beat them in the looks dept any day.
Yeah, look at them. Peter England office shirts, Arrow flat trousers and office handbag.
Looks more like a purse that handbag of theirs if you ask me..
They look as if they came with a tag - since 1929
Hehe.. good one.. And look at us, cool wrist band, Levi's jeans, Reebok shirts and i-pump shoes..
Hey when did you buy them shoes?
Monday.
And you didnt tell me?
Tell you? what are we? girls?
Oh yeah.. sorry. Are those guys waiting for someone?
Yeah.. I bet they have girlfriends too.
These guys? since 1929 guys? No way!
I bet 100..
Deal..

Just then 2 pretty girls entered the cafe and walked up to them. They could hear them.

"Shall we leave boys?", said the first one.
"We ll be late for the movie", said the other one.

The guys paid the bill and started moving out, with their respective girls.

See? See? Hail me as your king! Pay up you dumbass.
Damn you ass****

He removed Rs. 100 from his wallet and thrusted it onto his friend's palm.

He said the word "Damn" loud enough for one of the guys, who was now opening the door for his girl, to hear him. He looked back at the college kids and smiled. He pulled her close to him and whispered something in her ear. She looked back at the college kids and giggled. Then the four of them left.


Scene 2:

Location: Nirmal Lifestyles mall, Cafe coffee Day

Timeline : First year of the job (2008)

Characters: Two weird college kids, Two cool office goers



Hows work?
Cool. Hows yours?
Cool.
Hows everyone at home?
What? You never used to ask that!
Really? Hmm.
Got a promotion btw.
Hmm.. that means you pay for today's movie.
Damn you.
I paid the first installment of the car, did I tell you?
Hmm.. Your dad, didnt ask you to pay, did he?
No, but I thought I could pay half for him. That way it would be easier for him.
Hmm.. we are planning to buy a house too..
In Vile Parle?
No re, its out of reach now. Maybe in Thane. Now that I make money too, my parents can afford it..
Man! We are paying installements, buying flats.. We are growing up!!!

Pointing to two college kids sitting at a table across the cafe.

Remember when we were like them?
Whats with those shoes and whats with the hairstyle these kids have nowadays?
Yeah.. and look at their jeans. One more of his size can fit into those!! And they think they look "cool"!
Hehehe.. weirdos..
Its 6:45.. Why do they always have to be this late..
Its evolutionary.. Its in the bible..
What the? The bible doesnt allow women to come late..
Arre it does! Even the first woman "Eve" came only after Adam got really bored.
Hehehe.. Your sense of humour has gone down the drain.
Shut up dumbass..

Just then two pretty girls entered the cafe.
"Hello boys", one said.
"Are we late?", the other asked.
No babe.
"Lets leave, dont wanna miss the starting"

The guys paid the bill and started walking out when one of them overheard one of the college kid swearing at the other.He looked back at the kids, the kid wearing a green nike shirt thrusted a 100 rupee note in the hands of the other kid. He smiled at them.

He held her hand and pulled her close to him. He whispered in her ear -
"You see those two guys sitting there. I think, they had a bet whether we had girlfriends or not. The guy in the green shirt lost."
"How can you be sure about the bet thing", she asked.
"Coz I have been there "

She looked at him amused. She looked back at the college kids and giggled. The four of them left.
________________________________________________
I tried to experiment with some stuff here. If you notice, there are around 6 characters in Scene 1 and 6 characters in Scene 2, two of them are common. So in all, there are like 10 characters. I have tried to make sense without naming even a single character.Kindly let me know if this story makes sense of should I make it more understandable.

Physics is freaking awesome!

[Prologue: This post might be disturbing]

I woke up startled! "Physics is freaking awesome!" I said to myself. Was it a dream?
I had slept on my physics text book. The page 152 of the book was wet from my drool. It was a lazy afternoon and I must have dozed off while studying. My back was sore. I guess I slept in an unnatural position. The human body wasnt made to sleep on a study table with your Physics text book as your pillow.

But IIT entrance exams make you subject your body to a lot of inhumane stuff - like sleeping at 1 in the night and getting up at 6 in the morning, solving whole calculus problems in your sleep, skipping lunch and sometimes dinner to stay awake... Last night I slept for 3 hours instead of the usual 5 hours. My IIT-JEE (mains) exams were round the corner. I had it all planned. Engineering from one of the IITs, then MBA from one of the IIMs, then job at an American investment bank, Mercedes at 28, BMW at 33, a terrace flat downtown at 35. Its funny how well we plan our life. I had everything planned for the next 20 years when I didnt know what was going to happen in the next 20 minutes!

It was mid-May. It was around 7 in the evening. I looked out of the window. It was golden brown outside. It was lovely! There were dark clouds in the sky and the May Sun beat down on them to create nature's own soft light bulb.

I looked at my drool drenched Physics text book. It wasnt fair. I was just 18. These are the greenest years of my life... and I was spending them reading books and learning formulae. This is so damn unfair. I have to get away from all this. I got up, took my bike keys and opened the door and slammed it shut.

I put in the key and started the bike. I realised I had forgotten to take the helmet with me. Damn it, I thought. I was going on a short ride, I dont need a helmet. I raised the accelerator, to kick the bike out of inertia.

Page 109:
Inertia: Inertia is the resistance offered by a body when subjected to a change in its state of rest or of uniform motion.

Too much Physics does that to you. You start finding Physics in every damn thing.

It started to rain. Sparse but large golden droplets started to fall from the gold of the sky. It was like gold melting and falling down onto earth in small gold droplets.

I took the highway. I increased my speed. My hair were getting wet. The smell of wet soil was in the air. The water droplets hit my face, hurting it. Suddenly, I felt alive.

I see a truck trying to take a U turn, I apply the brake gently. A film of water formed on the tar road reduces the friction.

Page: 123
Friction: Friction is a force that resists the relative motion between two surfaces in contact.

I press the brake completely, but the bike wont stop. It skids on the wet frictionless road. I lose my balance. I fall on the wet tar road, the bike drags me along with it. It wont stop. It wont stop. Still no panic. The bike pulls me with it along the tar road, bringing me precariously close to the tyre of the truck.

The truck driver must have applied the brakes, but the momentum (mass x velocity) of the 50,000 kilogram truck kept it going.

Page: 146
Momentum: A measure of the motion of a body equal to the product of its mass and velocity.

It went going and going...till it came close to my head, till I could see the treads on the tyre, till I could smell the cow dung on the huge rubber tyre, and then...

Crunchhh...

What the ?? What happened to Newton's Third law of motion?!

Page 152
Newton's Third law of motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction!

If the truck exerted 50,000g (where g=9.8m/sec sq.) of force (Action), my head should exert that much force back (Reaction)! But that didnt happen now, did it? Newton was an idiot.. The third law of Newton sucks.. Just then it strikes me! Newtonian laws are applicable to perfectly rigid bodies. My skull isnt perfectly rigid... not even close! My brain lied splattered on the wet tar road. Broken pieces of skull stick to the tyre.

I thought to myself- Physics is freaking awesome!

[Note:It rained in Mumbai yesterday]

Anti-Maths Girl!

"Oh, I hate Maths, not that i m not good at it, I just dont like it.."

"hmm.. I kinda knew tht you were not a Maths girl.."

"Oh, whats a maths girl?"

"A Maths girl is the one who likes maths, they are kinda tomboyish and aggressive, u knw,they r not tht girlie.."

"hmm.. i see.. everything tht i am not?"

"Yeah :).. right! You are an Anti-Maths girl"

"hahaahahaha....And wht r they supposed to be like?"

hmm... Over that conversation, I realised I had identified one of species of the female kingdom.(bravo!)

Defn: An Anti- Maths girl is the one who is so by the virtue of not liking Maths, not necessarily because shes not good at it.. This kinda girl can be found outside most medical, biotech, bioinformatics colleges...Usually found where Biology rocks and Maths sucks, or simply where Maths sucks.

I have come to like them over the years.. Now that maybe coz there arent a lotta maths girls around, even if there are they are pretty much like us, and lets accept it, "us" arent that interesting.. "Us" are geeks, we are emotionally dyslexic (wht a term, ah.. genius), films like Kuch Kuch hota hai are as boring as calculus, come to think of it, calculus aint half as boring as KKHH.

So, I was wondering what makes me like the Anti-Maths girl..and this is what I came up with..

They are pretty! Yeah, very important trait tht And not only they are pretty, even their handbags, cellphone covers, pens, nail-polish, notebooks are pretty.. There is an overdose of colour there, and most of it is pink.. Ofcourse, its not just pink, its called "baby pink".. Theres something with these girls, they have to actually identify the shade of the colour.. So the pendant that she is wearing is not blue, but "turquoise"... Now wasnt turquoise supposed to be an animal? The one which goes into its shell when it senses danger and stuff? Oh wait,... thts tortoise!!

The kurti that shes wearing isnt brown, its "peach".. Peach? Peach is a fruit girl, NOT a colour!

Talking bout colours, anti-maths girls are the ones who can carry off "electric green" nailpolish on Tuesday, and replace it with "shocking pink" on Wednesday.. Btw, it looks good on them..

While we are still on colour, dont take an anti-math girl to shop with u..

"What coloured T-shirts you like.."

"er.. me? Well.. black and white, then brown, navy blue.."

(Looks at you bewildered)

"Those are not even colours!!"

bwahahahaha..everyone (including the salesgirls) laugh laugh...

And whats with the rings these girls wear.. they can wear one in every finger of their hand(including the thumb) and it still doesnt look that bad.. Actually it looks nice.. there is something bout metal and girls, cant explain in words.. But metal touching a girls skin is such a er.. ahem.. sexy sight.. But seriously, when you see men wearing ear studs or thumb rings, they look like, well, ugly..

Its not just the way they dress that we like, its also how they make you feel when they are around.. Like when they laugh even at your silly jokes.. I dont know how, but evolution figured it out I guess, and somehow allowed men to access the hidden reserves of humour inside them when a girl is around..

Its weird, but I feel when a man says he misses a girl, he actually misses her laughing at his jokes.. Its the most wonderful sound, guys should be allowed to tape the laughs of the girls they like and listen to it when they are down or alone..

Its funny what maths can do to your Emotional Quotient.. It just messes the emotional part of the brain... There are times when you dont understand why are you feeling so messed up and they can actually tell you what you are feeling and why in words that you never had in your vocabulary..

Most of these girls are smarter than us for sure, but they will never make you realise that.. They let you win arguments and two-player xbox games that you force them to play.. They use "how cute" and "how sweet" in every 5th sentence, and you try and find out what statement of yours made her say tht.. You make a mental note of tht statement and say it everytime you meet her only so tht you can get a "how sweet" again..

hmm.. there... I said almost everything I know bout the Anti-maths girl.. One of my frds got into a Phd prog today.. Now only if they had Anti maths girl as a topic of research.. Research sounds more fun when you like the subject, nahi?

Dr.Chaitanya Athalye, and how cool wud that sound..

P.S.

I thank all my guy friends for sharing their experiences over the years..

Disclaimer: No girls, Anti-maths or otherwise have been hurt in the process of this research...

They should put them in jail for that..

Short story back in the 9th grade, asking a girl out for a movie was a big deal.. Since the advent of puberty, your voice had already started to crack.. It cracked even more when you had to ask that cute girl out for a movie.. Now this is 1999 I am talking about.. It wasnt easy to get the girl u like to go out with you then,..... to be honest, its still difficult..

So you knew this cute girl, long hair, lovely eyes you could lose yourself in, got dimples everytime she smiled.. So if you wanted to ask her out for a movie, the conversation with her would go something like this -

"umm.. did you watch that movie - Dil Se?

"Note that SRK was her favourite actor, so it made sense to mention his movie, even though you thought the movie was a dud and you better spend the evening watching Undertaker wrestle Bam-bam-Bigalo..

"not yet"
"oh.. would you.. I mean.. like to" (the voice cracks up here) "I mean.. watch it with me..er.. this Sunday.. "

She suddenly realises that hes asking her out.. she turns on her girlie radar, which essentially means shes gonna act full bhavkhao..
"umm.. I dont know.. My dad wont allow..you know.. alone.."

They should put them in jail for that..

You wanna ask, how can we be alone if we are together.. But you dont..
"Oh.. but we are not going alone..Your friends are coming too"
An obvious lie.. But good thinking nevertheless..
"Who all?"
Think of names.. names..
"Suchitra, and Rajesh.. and Prajakta and..."
You name 5-6 names that you know are her friends..
"thats good, I think I can ask my dad then.."
Whoopieee...

What follows next is trying to convince the 6 friends of her (whose names you mentioned) to come with you.. You lure them with free popcorn (kamine kahin ke) and they finally agree.
Then comes the booking of tickets.. Note that this was the time when there was no online booking.. So you had to stand in a long queue to get the advance booking.. You manage to get 8 tickets.. You take great care to ensure that two out of them are corner seats..
"Uncle corner seats diya na?"
"Haan yaar.."
You hear him telling the next in line -
"Aaj-kal bacche bhi corner seat maangte hain" hehehe..

Finally Sunday arrives.. You get up early (which you usually dont), take a bath (which you usually do), apply half a bottle of perfume and reach the theatre..

She comes on time, but with her Dad in tow. Her dad drives his Maruti 800 (we had only Maruti and Fiat back then) in through the theatre parking and almost runs you down.. Now these dads are the villainous types.. The problem is they had been teenagers once and know exactly what dirty things go on in the scum brain of the testosterone driven monster who asked his daughter out..

Her dad steps out of the door of the car and slams it.. These dad types work as managers in a MNC usually, and wear a tie to work, but when it comes to meeting his daughters male friend, he wears the unshaven look and lungi..
"Pappa, hes my friend, Abhi"
You look at pretty her, then look at her Dad.. And you wonder, how could someone like him make something this beautiful..
"Halla"
"Hello sir.."
Women enjoy this.. They want you to meet their dads.. Its their way of saying - "See, this man is my favourite person in the world, and if you can stand up to him, only then you have a chance with me.. "

They should put them in jail for that..

You enter the hall, you make sure that you get the corner seats for yourself..You buy enough popcorn for her friends to be occupied... The lights dim.. Vicco Vajradanti ad plays.. The movie starts.. SRK starts jumping on a train.. Chal Chaiyaan Chaiyaan.. You are least interested in the song or in the movie for that matter.. You are interested in the cute girl sitting next to you.. You want to hold her hand.. no, not hold, just touch initially..

Clouds of nervousness loom over you, your palms become sweaty.. you wipe them on the thigh your jeans.. then all of a sudden, in a moment of gutsy drive, you touch her hand..

She pulls it back, almost like a reflex, then looks at you with wide eyes and a smile playing on her lips.. like shes amused, and she didnt expect you to do something like that.. Even in that dark hall, her eyes twinkle..

They should put them in jail for that..

The movie ends, you saw the movie only in bits and pieces, still it will be one of the best remembered movies of your life.. You start walking out of the dimly lit hall into the dimly lit parking.. When all her friends have left, she stands on her toes to reach your ear and whispers "thank you".. It will be ages before you understand the meaning...

Its 2009 and a lotta things have changed.. There are no single theatres now, Maruti has stopped manufacturing 800, popcorn is costlier than what was the ticket those days, even SRK sometimes comes up with meaningful cinema, but one thing hasnt changed, its still damn difficult to ask her out..

"Wanna..er.. watch a movie on Sunday?"
"Lemme see if I am free"
There she goes again..
"Oh comeon"
"hehe.. okay, which one?"
"How does it matter? hahaha
"It takes her a full two minutes to understand the joke behind that one...

She lands 4-5 playful punches, out of which two hurt..

Anyway, the movie starts.. Now that you are 24, you think it must get easier for you.. But it doesnt!..

You still get all nervous, your palms become sweaty.. It is still needs a lotta planning to put your arm across her shoulder.. You touch her hand.. this time she doesnt pull it away.. But she still gives that amused-mischievous look...Like after all these years she still doesnt expect you to hold her hand..

They should put them in jail for that...

The movie ends and the credits start rolling. You leave the hall with her.. You two walk through the huge driveway, sparsely crowded at this time of the night.. She walks closer to you than she normally does.. She holds your hand.. Theres something amazing bout that touch.. It seems to say that she trusts you and has complete faith in you... And it says that she knows you will keep her happy..

Her touch makes you feel strong.. responsible.. pure.. loved.. all at the same time.. as she walks close to you, holding your arm, she rests her head on your shoulder.. And you have the world..

"Thank you"... is all you can whisper in her ear.. She looks at you... smiles.. her eyes swell up with love... a drop finds its way to her cheek..

They should put them in jail for that...

Girls!! Will I ever understand them!

I know everything except what women want!
-Anon

I am never gonna understand Women..er..Girls. Its girls till I get 32 or get married (whichever comes last!)

Now mankind (I mean the manly kind) has never been able to understand the womankind(is tht a word?). The other day I had coffee with one my sweetest female friends. The topic shifted to girls which is probably the only interesting topic we cud talk bout.

Me being a aero engg. have lost complete touch with the womankind. The girls in Engg werent my type so never really pursued any... The girls tht usually make it in engg are the tomboyish types while I like more of the girlie types and no, girlie doesnt necessarily mean those girls who spend hours in front of the mirror... My interpretition of girlie girls is tht they are simple, smart and shy...
Now dont judge me! (Btw, googling - simple, smart and shy shows 1,900,000 results. One question - Where the heck are they!?@#)

Back to the topic - So we were talkin bout why mech engineers suck at making female friends and it turns out tht its coz we dont understand girls...

Heres the conversation:-

Me: So u saying I dont understand girls?
She: Well dumbo, I feel u dont get it! You dont call ur girls, dont send them flowers...u dont even remember their Bdays!!!
Me: Oye? Girls expect me to call everyday?
She: Yes, donko! 10 times a day!
Me: But wudnt I be disturbing her if I call her 10 times a day?
She: Nope...We love it!
Me: U crazy!
She: (giggles) No, u crazy!


I dont get it!! I get disturbed even when my Mom calls me when I am in my office. Plus how am I supposed to express my feelings? ...We men! We hunt! We fight! We drink directly from the carton! We DONT express our feelings...Asking us to express our feelings is like asking Shoaib Akhtar to bowl leg-spin!

One wonders, if God made hormones (Ignoring wht Charles Darwin preaches) why didnt he put in the same ones in both guys and girls? I guess thts coz he knew opposites attract.

Maybe opposites do attract. So does tht make me - complicated, foolish and bold!?
Er..I dont think so...

Theres another twist...
I always thought these qualities tht I find attractive were necessarily physical (no, not sexual...physical..Theres a difference!!)
But in the last few weeks I have found tht its not all physical...

There is this girl, who was a yr junior to me in my school. She was a mixture of all the said qualities and more...She was all sweet and giggly and schoolgirlish... And obviously I did like her...But at 15, u dont try and analyze why u like sumone...

Now shes settled outside the country, and we chat almost everyday. Chattin is the next best thing to talkin... You can get to know a lot bout the person, how he/she would react to a situation, her wit, sense of humour etc. etc. And man, isnt she amazing!

The point here is , its been ages since we met in 3-D, but I still like her. There is a fair chance tht my brain still interprets her as a giggly girl who wore braces as a kid and maybe it(my brain) is surprised at the amount of maturity and wit she has... Maybe thts one of the reasons I like her so much...

So u see? My brain can solve calculus and mechanics but it is as lost as Schumacher in Mumbai traffic when it comes to feelings...
Its like tht movie - I,Robot in which the robot saves Will Smith and not the little girl coz it calculates tht Will has a 42% chance of survival and the girl has only a 12% chance. It lets her die.

12% wasnt less...

Only if we were hardwired better


Me: Ok, So you mean, I shud send her flowers and choclates? Tht sounds so High-Schoolish. Actually it is outright foolish!
She: Be as practical as u want with the outside world... But with a girl u gotta be foolish...
Me: Foolish?!
She: Yes donko!
Me: U crazy
She:(giggles) No, u crazy!

Biological Clockitis

Biological clockitis is a dangerous condition which affects men around the age 25. It can strike anywhere between 22 years and 29 years.The first case reported can be traced back to stone age. Stoneman Hakunuma, who was 18 and still unmarried, was suffering from severe biological clockitis. Most of his friends had married by 14 (this is the stoneage we are talking about) and were proud fathers of 3 kids on an average. Everytime Hakunuma looked at their pretty daughters wearing frocks made of deer skin and earrings made of sea shells, he was struck by Biological clockitis. I am struck by Biological clockitis. My biological clock is ticking, or so it seems. I see kids everywhere. In my colony, in malls, railway stations, everywhere.. There are times when I wonder where did they all come from all of a sudden.. I keep looking at cute girls in frilly pink frocks and pink hairbands.. Sometimes, rarely that is, I do manage to charm a few of them and get to pinch their cheeks or unruffle their hair, but thats about it.. Most of the times I just keep looking at them. You so want a kid, dont u? Well, no ones looking, lets take this one..freaks her out totally..

Symptoms:

You look at cute kids even when you are with friends.. Even when they are discussing topics as interesting as Sehwag's receding hairline and its remedies, you cant stop looking at the cute 5 year old kid who just went past you. You have this unexplainable urge to lift her up and plant a peck on her cheek.You spend more time looking at cute kids than looking at the pretty one you are with. (Detrimental to your plans of actually having a kid, I tell you) I dont wanna have a daughter. I want a son. Well before you spell male chauvinist pig, let me explain why..You see, having a daughter is really tough. Things are alright till they are 12 and usually use adjectives like ewww and yuck for boys, things cant be better, trust me. But then, they turn 13, yeah, this is one more reason the number 13 is dreaded the world over, hormones kick in and suddenly she starts finding boys interesting, she starts associating the words - cute, cool and butt with boys. Butt... hmm.. tht reminds me, if internet is still the "in" thing in the year 2025, and if you are the guy whos presently dating my daughter (reading this post), whispering sweet nothings in my daughter's ears, well trust me, I ll kick your butt so hard, that you ll smell shoe leather for weeks.. (Hmm.. that should reduce his testosterone levels for now) Okay! So let me get this straight - u like these cute girls with ponies and pink clips, but you dont want a daughter? Correct.. I dont wanna have a daughter. I like these girls coz they are not my daughters. They are someone elses' daughter. I like someone elses' daughter, for example, well, lets say- You.. You are someone elses' daughter, and i like u.. Here he goes again..Speaking of pink clips, why dont you get one? will look cute...

Causes:

Increased estrogen levels.. Simple! I have increased estrogen levels and that is why I am suffering from Biological Clockitis. Now dont you dare call me girlie, or call stoneman Hakunuma girlie for that matter. We are/were (since Hakunuma is no more) nice strong men with a phenomenal desire for Scarlett Johanson (yeah baby). We have decent facial hair growth, though not as much as Anil Kapoor does. We drink directly out of the carton unless our mothers/sisters are present around, coz they dont "allow" us to.

Recommended Diet-

Looking at pictures of Arnold, Sunny Deol and watching non-sensical movies like Jo bole so nihal is recommended. Keep away from girls aged 3 to 7, infact use this oppurtunity to concentrate your energies on girls aged 21 to 23.. Dont charm a girl aged 3 to 7 to shake hands with you, never accept a peck on the cheek from pretty girls with pretty pink frocks, and under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you let them sit on your lap. If you do, you will reach the last stage of Biological Clockitis and before you know it, you will be applying for Santa's post in Malls..

Treatment:

Well, there is no treatment really. The only treatment is to get your own kid.. And that is a long procedure.. Though stealing is an option.. :P. So I suggest you wait till your parents start seeing you as a potential grandchildren manufacturer and get you hitched.. or work on the recommended diet to lower your estrogen levels. Let me try and influence you now- with sons, u get them to teach them swing bowling and kick-boxing. You get to discuss about world issues and Pamela Anderson.. You get to play games on PS2 and beat them, you get to beat them at chess and beat them at cricket and monopoly, see? just talking bout it makes me feel better.. Darn, sounds more like I want a playmate than a son.. :P. Now, just to be fair, lets also look at the pros of having a daughter. They are pretty, provided they dont get my looks. They hug you when you come back from office, they tell you how much they missed you and stuff when you come back home from a long business trip. You can make sit on your lap and tell her stories bout princes, glass slippers and pumpkins. Also, its always okay to kiss a daughter, no matter what age she is, which is not so in case of a son, unless you are Italian, ofcourse. Fathers want their boys to behave like men as soon as they stop pooping in their pants, but their daughters always remain their little girls - thats where the phrase "Daddy's little girl" comes from. Ever heard "Daddy's little boy"? Sounds supergay if you ask me.The cons are too many.. I spent all my time and genes to help her become what she is, and then some guy comes along and takes her away.. I no longer get to run the show.. No longer am I her #1. Some guy who she met yesterday sweeps her off her feet and gets to keep her all her life. The father, has to live without her. I have seen fathers cry when their girls leave them, to spend the rest of her life with the man shes in love with, to lose her surname and to take up his. They say girls grow up fast. Thats so not true. Girls grow up only as fast as boys, its only that fathers dont want their daughters to grow up.. They always want them to be their small girls... I have seen fathers cry. I cant be them. I dont wanna be one of them.